“The Charlotte Church Show” – what?! Now in its THIRD series. Can you believe that? What the hell was the pitch like for that?

Idiot commissioner for Channel Four: So, who will present this new talk show in an awful timeslot?

Idiot producer for her show: Well, we’ve got this really annoying bitch called Charlotte Church, yeah?

Idiot commissioner for Channel Four: Oh yes! We’ve heard of her! Voice like an angel! Shame about her trying to go and do pop stuff. Didn’t really work out, did it?

IP: That’s actually why we’re offering her to you. She thinks she’s going out of the public’s attention and after she’s met all the world’s leaders she thought she might move onto some shitter people, yeah?

IC: Excellent. Is she cheap?

IP: Oh, incredibly!

IC: Fantastic [insert commissioner guff here about how she’s bound to stop knife crime, as she’s SO the voice of young chavs today]

IP: There is one catch though. She needs to talk about how’s she Welsh the whole time. Will that be a problem?

IC: Of course not! In fact, we’ll do a really good deal with S4C – no one watches that, what luck!

Honestly, it’s a pile of shite about her interviewing people that we’ve all seen interviewed before but with references to Wales and how sexy she is. I fucking hate it. The only thing worse than the show is the people that watch it. More than likely fat layabouts that can’t find the remote or people who are so incredibly vacuous Bin Laden is hiding in their head.

What’s EVEN worserer than people what watch it is the Wikipedia for the show. It’s obviously written by a Church wannabe who sings her praises at any given moment. It even lists what and who she sings with on the show – as if hearing it on the TV isn’t traumatic enough but to be reminded of the fact on Wikipedia is just blasphemous. Poor wiki.

I remember watching the first aired episode when she sang at the end with “The Feeling”. Gosh, such looks from the lead singer, who obviously didn’t like her one bit and thought she should stick to singing opera and banging rugby players. She’s always been a money grabber (autobiography at the age of 14, anyone?) and this show is no exception – another route for her loud, grubby hands.

Despite never saying “I love blinkin’, me” (which would have scored her a gazillion superuber points with me) I’m not a huge (or ‘uge as Charlotte would say) fan of the person, singer or the show. It was fine when she was snotting on the Pope, but to have her in my living room is just pushing it too far.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!