When I first heard of ITV2’s “CelebAir” it conjured up images of washed out F-list celebrities pushing a trolley down an aeroplane asking if anyone wanted anything from the RyanAir gift shop. Well, this programme does not wish to disappoint, as that’s exactly what you get.

Eleven contestants started on this epic journey of being cabin and ground crew in a “busy”, mainly celebrity packed (a whole notch up with them being E-list) plane where they take day trips to some of Europe’s finest and charviest locations.

It’s presented by Alopecia Bell (off CBBC) who enjoys using her annoying, shrill voice to sometimes do a bit of presenting, but mainly enjoys being there for a waving cutaway, which I’m sure they’ll use week after week. I missed the very beginning of the show last night, so I’m not entirely sure what it’s about but there again I don’t really think it has much of a plot other than the celebrities all have to be air hostesses teetering along (or plodding as most of them seem to do) and pandering to the pathetic needs of their passengers.

Most of the crew is made up of total non-entities and I sat through the first forty-five minutes going “Who?!” even when their names appeared on the screen. First off there’s Michelle Marsh; blonde, page 3 girl and scared of flying. Yip. Scared of flying. As if you’d volunteer yourself for a programme that makes you fly. Which leads us on to Tamara Beckwith, former It girl, who has been grounded on reasons of health and safety, which sounds pretty dangerous to me. But, then, hang on, I’m sure I just saw her flying and then sunning herself in Alicante so how come she can’t do it like the others? Phil Cornwell also joins the career suicide that is this plane. He said last night “This is the job I’m gunna do” – damn right it is if you don’t start taking yourself seriously and put yourself back on “DeadRingers”. His children joined him on the flight; very brave. Other equally forgettable people include Lisa Scott-Lee and her husband, Johnny Shentall replaced here with a wheeble, Dan O’Conor; the most smiley, stupid man from “Neighbours” – duuuuuhhh. Chico; the man, the pain in the arse; Amy Lamé; about as good as her name suggests; Kenzie; with a man’s penis; Lisa Maffia; not quite as solid as Johnny and Mica Paris. “I’m a creative. I’m a singer” she said in her best barrow-boy accent as she was the first to leave.

The programme is an utter waste of time and indeed my life and most of the celebs haven’t got a clue, despite being given six weeks to train for this. Nearly all were slow and dawdled along as if they had all the time in the world. Their mentors play very little role apart from judging them at the end along with Alopecia who asks the loser to “walk the runway of shame” as if they couldn’t be more over the top if they burned them in a wicker man at the end of a real runway, whilst a plane full of uber celebs shat out of the windows on to them. At least someone’s remembered the mentor’s names, as last night’s Wikipedia entry just said “Ross ???” under the mentors section.

It’s the biggest pile of annoying crap that gets me shouting at the TV for the plane to dive bomb into the nearest charv-infested island so they can all be horribly killed, especially if the likes of Andi Peters is going to be boarding each week. Saying that, I’m going to watch it every week and post my response here.
Bon Voyage.

You can watch CelebAir on ITV2 at 9pm on Tuesdays or if you missed it on ITV’s catch up service. Or even book tickets here!

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