OK, so I tend to go on dating websites once in a while, because I’m a lonely, bitter, twisted nobody who hates most life forms. I find it odd that a lot of people on there, who are round about my age, can make themselves seem so unattractive. With names such as “delectable–mother” (aged 24, by the way) and “hugebitch” (from her profile, literally a huge bitch) they’re not so enticing, are they? Reading some of their profiles, you get huge, hairy monsters that are interested in dungeons and dragons, rap music and often even God (on a MAJOR level). It’s scary.

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“The Charlotte Church Show” – what?! Now in its THIRD series. Can you believe that? What the hell was the pitch like for that?

Idiot commissioner for Channel Four: So, who will present this new talk show in an awful timeslot?

Idiot producer for her show: Well, we’ve got this really annoying bitch called Charlotte Church, yeah?

Idiot commissioner for Channel Four: Oh yes! We’ve heard of her! Voice like an angel! Shame about her trying to go and do pop stuff. Didn’t really work out, did it?

IP: That’s actually why we’re offering her to you. She thinks she’s going out of the public’s attention and after she’s met all the world’s leaders she thought she might move onto some shitter people, yeah?

IC: Excellent. Is she cheap?

IP: Oh, incredibly!

IC: Fantastic [insert commissioner guff here about how she’s bound to stop knife crime, as she’s SO the voice of young chavs today]

IP: There is one catch though. She needs to talk about how’s she Welsh the whole time. Will that be a problem?

IC: Of course not! In fact, we’ll do a really good deal with S4C – no one watches that, what luck!

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